Frenchman Coulee

Finally, a post about climbing!!!

With our friend Carlos in town, we headed out to Frenchman Coulee.  From our house it's about a 3 hour drive over the Cascade mountains to Vantage, which is the nearest town to the Coulee.  Shown here on this map What is Frenchman Coulee?  It's an amazing climbing area.  For most Washington residents, it's just about the best the state has to offer.  While it may not hold the destination climbing appeal of Yosemite or Moab, the 600+ routes of quality basalt column climbing are amazing and worth the drive.

We couldn't have had better weather.  The skies were nearly cloud free and it was warmer than forecasted.  For an early spring day, it was amazing.  In this picture, Carlos is climbing "Ride 'Em Cowboy", a 5.9 **** star route.  It's considered an area classic.  The list of reasons why it's so great include but are not limited to: the 60+ feet of climbing, the sustained grade, and the exposure.  I brought my 70 meter though a 60 would have sufficed.  It's great climbing in three's at a crag.  With Sandy or Carlos belaying one another, I was free to run around and snap good photos.  I'm surprised how much time I can spend composing a shot.  We just got a new Canon Rebel Eos T1i.  It takes a 15 megapixels photo.  I'm eager to get a telephoto lens and a macro lens. $$$$ for such things.  All in due time.  For now, we are very happy learning how to use this feature loaded behemoth.

When we first arrived, we drove straight to the Feathers climbing area.  In this shot, I'm preparing to climb "Jesus Saves", a 5.8 ***.  The Feathers is a nice place to bring either a new climber or a new-to-the-area climber.  With short route and dense bolts, a visitor will get a feel for the basalt climbing style without getting too far out of earshot.  Also, the 100 foot walk-in is convenient and quick.  The downside is that you'll be next to all the other newbies, and that can be a put off.

From many of the photos, people in the know are led to believe the area is similar to Devil's Tower, WY.  While Frenchman Coulee does offer some stemming routes and the majority is octagonal and hexagonal columns, it should immediately be noted that these are only about 100 feet tall.  Devil's Tower is in places some 600-800 feet tall, with many unbroken lines.  It's nice to think that the Coulee has the same route space, just spread out laterally, but I would venture a guess that it doesn't.  Devils Tower National Monument has 150 routes and rises 1200+ feet over the surrounding hills.  It's just not a fair comparison.  On the bright side, there is very little oversight by rangers.  Enjoy your beers and brats at your own leisure, responsibly.

We finished the day on "Clip 'Em or Skip 'Em", 5.8 ***.  My guidebook says that this is a perfect route for beginners at the grade.  It's a straightforward face/arete route with all the clips to the right.  Incidently, it is a nice follow up from "Ride 'Em Cowboy" that clips all left.  "Clip 'em".. is next to several other very good routes.  One in particular, directly behind me in this shot, is called "Air Guitar", 5.10a ***.  Bolted to the top of the route is a commemorative placard for the life and death of Goran Kropp.  He zippered off the route and fell to his death.  Although I never met him, I'm saddened by the loss.

Circa late 2001 or early 2002, Dusty and I would camp out and have the entire Coulee to ourselves.  Oh the memories.

The Tapeworm

After a lunch at the "Mobile Chowdown" next to Safeco Field, we went home itching to get outside and do something.  The weather was cooperating and there just isn't another excuse to "not" do something.  I ran upstairs and threw on my riding shorts and some light weather appropriate gear.  Downstairs I mounted our bikes onto the car and strapped them down.   Within minutes we were headed up the hill to the Tapeworm.  I'm sure not everyone knows about the Tapeworm so here is the closest thing to an explanation I can muster:
Tapeworm is a skill-builder trail. It takes 1-2 hours to ride everything.  This is a small system of trails that are tightly wound to make the most of a power utility company lot. Overview map. For those people riding out with a GPS, the trailhead for Tapeworm is at 47.468234N 122.196480W.  And best yet, it's under two miles from my house.

The trail can be a little confusing in the sense that you may often think you have skipped ahead or are now doing the trail in the wrong direction. However, we rode the whole thing and didn't ever actually get "off-course".  The last stretch of the ride is uphill and parallels the grassy patch to the north of the trail.  At almost any point you could jump off trail and ride straight up to the parking area.

Sandy joined me on this maiden voyage down the tapeworm and she found it incredible.  She admitted that she had never done this kind of riding before.  I'm sure between bike commuting for school or taking nice flat road bike rides, the idea of trying to balance your way through a trail seems foreign.  She was a great sport and did really well considering the behemoth she rides.  Both of our bikes were suffering from the mud and grime and both of us had dragging brake calipers.  To the right she is taking a brake in true "no-dab" style to catch a breath.  For only creeping along at a near walking pace, it is a real calorie burner.

As if the tight hair-pin turns in 3 inch deep oil-slick mud, steep drops, narrow passes (between trees and across bridges) wasn't enough, they had to tempt us with a teeter-totter.  Of course I just had to give it a go.  I did ride over it without falling.  However, I stalled out about halfway over ( one of the planks isn't flush ) and I didn't ride through the end of the teeter-totter.  Instead, I hopped off and rode out the from the last foot or so.  Those damned iPhones and their delayed photo capture don't even quite get the moment you want.  Oh well, I feel a little more confident to try it again next time.

When you find the actual start of the trail, there are signs to point you in the right direction.  It is counter intuitive to start out going left, but it is what it is.  Resources say that it is a clockwise trail.  All the other trails in the area are two-way.  To the right I'm happy and eager to set out.  I truly didn't know what awaited me down there today.  If you look closely, I still have my cargo rack on the back of my bike from my bike tour, and a pair of slick tires to guarantee absolutely no traction going up all the muddy parts of the trail.  It was comedy.  Sandy had slicks on too.  We did better than you may think, but there was a fair amount of walking.

There is lore about the Tapeworm Octopus.  He has great powers over the quality of your ride.  To be sure, I don't know what the whole story is, but a guy and an octopus were somehow fused together by the cycling gods.  What is the moral of this story?  Dunno.  But it's best to shut up and pay homage.




So that's what I did.  Unfortunately, I had already endoed over the front of my bike and smashed my hand between my handlebars and a very stout over-trail-hanging tree in the process.  I had thrown my chain and my brakes were rather noisy with all the mud and debris caked onto my rims.  Still, why leave anything up to chance...

You think I'm joking about over hanging limbs and trees?  No, not a joke.  A well timed duck would have sufficed here.  The conditions were a little bit wet in areas but was dry on most of the climbs.  Pockets and puddles would cake mud into my wheels and brakes, but most of the trail was very rideable.  Even if I wasn't able to ride...  On the bright side, I balanced my way across all the bridges I found and even tried a few I know I shouldn't have. 


We had a really good time on the trail.  Literally, we can ride up the hill, do the trail and ride home and wouldn't net any additional time as compared to putting the bike rack onto the car and storing it when we get there.  It's so close and so fun.  The other great thing is that we will know if it rains on the trail the same day.  Even if we ride up and see the trail is in too wet of condition, we can coast back down the hill to our house.  All the mud, nose-dives, spin-outs and burning lungs couldn't keep us from coming back to ride this again!















Bask in the Post-ride Glory!